That Girl

 Hearing THAT song that you chose to put on that IG post made my heart stop. I imagine you thinking of me as he sang and the butterflies are still there after all this time. I played it over and over. Had a dream that night…. If only time had been on our side….. Thank you.😊  I have 75 bespoke orders and I finally got the balls to start telling people that they need to put down a down payment. I am enjoying this so much!!  Welp, traded out my fall winter clothes for summer and fall ( fall overlaps in the clothing department. It’s a roll of a dice because we have two or three fake falls.  I was putting away the clothes that I just don’t have enough days to wear because winter is a joke and doesn’t really start until January and I just packed all the “ hope to wear these in Colorado vibes” with them.  It’s been a dark and stormy night for about five days now so that ruins swimming. Josh and I got caught in the pool when suddenly a right proper thunderstorm came ou...

 Robb and I were talking and somehow my first house came up. I ALWAYS call that house “My cracker box house”  I told him a story about how on the front stairs I had a two rod iron railings one on each side.  Not two long after I moved in, but I can’t remember if I was married yet and I feel like I wasn’t… anyway, the three yr old little boy and his two siblings had come over and…. Nope, wasn’t married…. Chad, Darrin and I were sitting in the porch, we once told them that French fries were made out of cats…. Got a parent at my door for that…When the 3yr old put his head between the bars and was stuck because… EARS aren’t flat on the way back out.  So Doug came over and removed the bar. 34+ years later and that bar is still missing!! You can see it on Zillow, which is how I showed Robb. I told him that that house has seen a lot! Me moving in with 6yr old son. Parties, roommates  dark depression, laughs, late night dart games or card games, beers after softball, me...

 How’s everyone doing? I’m good. I’m selling items every day and doing more and more bespoke pieces and I love the ones whose directions are a basic idea along with “ you do you” I love that they trust me and my creativity.  I have a bespoke rosary. That makes me super nervous! It’s out of my box and they need to be specifically made to pray the rosary so it’s 59 beads, three beads, a knot, another bead, a knot, etc…. I called Robb to get the lowdown since he’s Catholic and owns a collection of rosaries. So I’ve ordered hand blown teal glass beads( which he asked for, the teal I mean, but the quality needs to be really good so, hand blown,) a sterling silver cross with the body of Christ on it, they don’t want the cross to have square edges so that makes it a) harder to find, so B) more expensive , carved wood olive tree beads from Jerusalem. I have to get a silver pendant with either Mary or a saint, he’s not sure which he wants, I gave him a list of the costs ahead of orderi...

 Let’s see if I can do this right and if you’d like to ask a question send the email to Tracy-n-Jd @earthlink. Net with no spaces and no dashes. I’ve had that email for THIRTY YEARS! I won’t have it much longer though because they started charging me $22!!!!! And get this, they are owned by Scientology 😲 I mean, that ranks pretty high on people or entities that I’d never want my money going to! Weird. 1) How are things with the son who came out? Normal. He’s still the same person with the exception that for the first time in his life he talks to me about who he finds attractive and that even includes women. He’d never ever talk about anyone he thought was attractive so we’d ask him and he’d shrug it off. Like, if he’d told me that he wanted to be a monk I would have thought that I’d seen that coming!! One that stands out to me, as far as females go, we had a barista the other day who Josh told me that she was perfect and you know what ? She is perfect. I mean, girl next door cute ...

 I was talking with a friend yesterday and the subject of regrets came up. We talked about where we live, who we dated, a child I didn’t have, opportunities we didn’t take etc…. On our deathbed what would we regret? So I’ve been thinking about that… What would I regret? First, you have to take abuse out of the equation because that’s not something that “you’ve” done. So put that in a cute little basket with penguins on it, I love me a penguin. I can’t “ regret” living where I’ve lived because, why? It was necessary at the time. Who I’ve dated… I mean, I would have thought of William for fucking sure but, do I ? I mean that whole breaking my shell, trying to commit suicide wasn’t him. It just happened to be the last straw. But, if I hadn’t gone through that I wouldn’t have had the tiny seed planted inside me that started the long process of naming and blaming who did what to me. It was the first time that I could say “ sexually abused” and “ my mother” in the same sentence. I couldn...

 Did you notice what happened in my last blog post?! You guys got to see how my brain works in real time! I was asked a question that brought up something really violent that happened to me. I had put it in a box but a few weeks ago it came on out with tap shoes and when I was asked the question about the medicine that does that (intentionally to help me deal with boxed up stuff that I might not remember but your body remembers and it can be the reason why you have certain “triggers” or responses to certain things so it gently releases the memories and you don’t experience it like you’re still there. It’s supposed to be like looking through a window. Sometimes it’s rougher than usual but still… ) Anyway, I was supposed to be answering another question but my brain put that memory back into a box real quick which put me on a different train track and boom! I adjusted and went on to something else, even though I numbered it as if to answer the next question! How fucking efficient is ...