On the back of my last post..

The rockiest time…

I have these memories as well, going to see the boy at Jet Connection. The boy had stopped purring. His voice was cold like it was to the restaurant customers he didn’t like or a bartender he didn’t like. I was on the outer edge. 

Life was still moving on for me. I’d bought my house. Chad was living with me. William sniffing around… Softball several nights a week, entire new chapter and friend group. No signs of what I’d left in that building on the Newport high-way.Then every once in a while I’d feel a tug. Test the waters. See the first reaction on a boy’s face when I saw him….  It the same as it had been. He’d also left it all in that building.

Then he moved that business to a building at the bottom of five mile. Across from where there had been a drive-in theater. I’d spent so much of my pre-teens and teens there. My mom would fill big paper grocery bags with fresh popcorn, take a cooler, bring a fried and lay on the roof of our car or… you know, prance around a little. Getting comments from boys, flirty McFlirt. Swing on the swings under the screen. Big movies we’d climb the fence and watch the line of cars coming in. Again a little flirty. 

In my memory the new building was like a… ugh, can’t think of the word…. Omg! I had to go look it up! Warehouse. Is that right? Concrete floor, the echo…

I walked towards to him and in my memory there was a hallway entrance? I can’t remember what was said, I know it wasn’t good, but I clearly remember walking out and letting the thought of Boy slip off my back and arms, sliding down my legs, puddling at my feet. 

I knew that I’d never visit him again. I drove away knowing that I was done…..


Except one exception!! My son and I were at my dad’s for Easter,  the river ran past his house. I don’t know why I did it but I walked out of his house and across his property and saw a boy jet skiing… he came to the shore. I walked down the sandy hill towards him as he undressed. He was in no way looking like he didn’t want me to watch him undress… He looked at me and I saw it. I knew every single part of that body. That light in his eyes as he was taking off his wetsuit. I reached out and touched his chest. He looked into my eyes, we stayed like that and I knew that we were going to make love. We moved back closer to the hill … I kept my hand on him. He kept our eye contact… my heart was beating out of my chest. He had “that look” that I’d seen so many times before when we were this close, we moved into kiss…

My fucking dad yelled for me to get back to the house. IT’S EASTER! YOUR SON IS UP HERE!!! 

I’d told my dad about the abortion and he’d been really angry with the boy. He was chastising me. I didn’t move so he yelled again. I was heartbroken and so angry at the same time. I sure as fuck didn’t need him to try and parent me at 22 years old. He never had before. If I wanted to be with My Boy I could. 

But, if I didn’t leave he was going to come get me and that would be so awkward and intense and my fury would be ten fold as I’d feel that I’d have to stand up for my boy and bark him back down. Staying was a problem and leaving now with what could be our last sweet moment… was so bad. 

I left. 

Years later I told him how pissed I’d been. He thought he was saving me from being hurt. I didn’t care if it would hurt. I wanted that sweetness just one more time because we never know when something happens for the last time and our last time had been so awkward and wrong and gross and witnessed by Cheryl and the boy’s brother. Ick. Cheryl told me something that Boy had said to her. I knew that if that was true that it was the drug fantasy talk but saying it to her, she made everything a contest ( right down to picking up a stranger on a bus to get pregnant because I was) Boy said that he’d never said it but, I mean, who knows. It was a terrible night. I wish we’d know not to have that night and to save the last time for something beautiful.

One photo and I’ve been on a long strange trip. I actually don’t hate that. The motorcycle pic is always close to me. 

Song: The Dance by Garth Brooks

Look at the moon,


Tracylynn 

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