Memories flooding back…

 Seeing the photo of a boy and his dad where such an important part of my life took place took my breath away. 

Can you even believe, Boy, that 40 years later we are still connected? 

Next month will be 40 years since we got pregnant.

I’ve spent every day since that photo wondering if I could walk into that building again and the truth is that I could not. 

The ghosts of  86’ to ‘90 would pull me in. The feelings, the emotions, that I left in that building, I’d feel those so powerfully that I’d probably cry. That girl, I love that girl, those emotions are too strong for me to take them on again. 

Then, the ghosts…. A boy’s mom, a boy’s brother, a boy’s grandparents, Maria, Jim.. so many…

Then the energy from the people still swirling around, laughing, Robin, Shawna, Lars, Bob and Robbie…

You. So much you in every single corner. Telling you to be steady because I’m gonna jump on your back, hours spent watching you play pool while it was soooo obvious that I was in love with you. My eyes stuck on you… Your mom didn’t pay me for my first day because I had to see you. Already, I knew from day one, from the day I met you at the cash register after hearing your voice. I walked out and told my mother that you’d be mine. 

Sitting in the office, you in the chair, my arms wrapped around you from behind you… your mom found us… sitting on the table that held all the liquor bottles, crying from the deepest portions of me when Shawna shared the “ secret” that what had been just ours, those long nights, electricity in a touch, had been given away to her. I can still feel it. That heartache. Made me a colder person. 

I’d tell you that I thought we should break it off while you drove me to work and you’d spend the entire night rubbing up to me and talking with a purring in your voice, I’d always melt. 

Watching the parking lot when I’d get there first and I’d run into the kitchen so you wouldn’t know. Looking out the window when you were on the phone with her. Trying to be strong. Trying not to feel. Jealousy, hurt, anger… sad. You’d always come back out and be playful with me and all of that would fall back to the floor.

I heard you say “ I love you” into the phone…and as you were walking out the back door a said “ I lOvE yOu” and you yelled “ it’s her birthday! Should I fucking tell her on her birthday? Is that what you want?” I yelled FUCK YOU!! Instead of , YES! Yes! That’s what I want! Fuck her birthday! Come to me, My Boy. Please, hold me. Please say that you love ME. 

I think about that often. Wish I’d used my words. Likely wouldn’t have done a thing but, I should have said it.

Making snow angels next to the building in the dark. 

Leaving together. My tummy never didn’t have butterflies. I felt blessed to know you. To be seen by you. Touched by you. Knowing your entire body. I was allowed to touch you. Kiss you. Fall into you with my face curled into your neck, breathing hard together. 

That’s what I’d feel. Imagine me walking in while two of the three generations know what that would mean to me and a Boy. Imagine..   Dream………

Loved that photo more than I can express. Taken me all this time to find the words my heart felt upon seeing it.

Feel me,

Tracy 

Song: To Make You Feel My Love by Garth Brooks

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