So…. Ya. This happened.

 I’ve had a fee messages from a some of you who watch my YouTube channel, asking questions about my last video.

It’s exactly what I said it was… 

Somebody who has been a subscriber for a long time did something that was gross and… wrong, to me and I had my guard down. 

Two years ago he sent me two stories to read for the 31 days. I can’t remember if it was both stories or one story…. For Halloween… that included him mentioning masturbating. It was ick and I might have even removed the word but I’m not sure.

He changed his user name afterwards and I didn’t realized that the person we’re gonna talk about now was the same person…, so Robb and I do a podcast on female groomers and sexual abusers. Naturally, this is a difficult topic for me but I did talk about my experience and give a number of red flags to look out for.

So there’s a post, I really don’t even know if it’s a man or woman, they wrote that it was difficult to listen to, and ya, confronting issues like this should make you uncomfortable, because it’d fucked up. He said that it brought back a memory that made him wonder if he hadn’t been abused by his mother ( I’m using male pronouns because now of course I know it was a man)

So he says he needs to get it out and talk about it, I stupidly give him my facebook messenger.

He goes on to tell me that he was masturbating and his mom walked in. The next day she brought him a beach towel and lube and that the lube was a game changer. 

I get this pit in my stomach. My protection mode is screaming at me and I ignore it. Ended up ending the conversation and we both agreed that wasn’t sex abuse.

Still don’t realize who he is until the next day he writes that we’ve only been in contact a couple of times and he talked about masturbating both times, Promises that he has other hobbies. Thanks me for listening. I leave an emoji on the comment because it’s clear to me now that he’s given me the ick and I haven’t felt that feeling, like that, dirty, embarrassed, gross… For decades. It came back very familiar and my brain immediately locked it in the box.

It’s been in the box but creeping out for like a week… after Robb and did a podcast yesterday I mentioned it to him and he became enraged. My brain was still in “ I’m so stupid.” Mode. He was just yelling and telling me that he was gonna comment to him and asking if he lives in the UK…. He lives in Oregon I think…. Robb asked if I’d told JD, my husband, and I’m all… no… locked in the box…. Haven’t processed… so he tells me to tell him… which I did… and he went nut job! Robb and him going off on this guy and saying he was getting off by talking to me like that and it’s the internet version of flashing me… and my brain thinks…. Ah, right, that’s the feeling that’s been nagging me…. So my husband wrote something, asked me to make a video and include what he wrote, I did leave out the violent parts because we don’t need anyone going to prison over here. I also removed his comments so that nobody could Dox this guy and I get into trouble. 

So there’s the backstory to what happened. It’s not great. I hate people. I am angry at myself for…. I don’t know what… letting that in. 

On that note I have to go… by the way I’m going to be writing about something I learned that is so unsettling that I can’t shake it. If I have to know then you all have to too and honestly, we should all know this.

Song : Always Remember us this way by Lady Gaga

Night luvs.

Me