Ok, this might be short…

 But honestly, I’m a talker so who can say for sure.

I HAD to come write about this because it’s such a “ME” story even though it’s not about me….

Ok, so get a grip, cause this is the weirdest fucking story that I may have ever told you.

So, I get my near daily call from Robb and…

I need to give you some history here real quick…

1) There’s a woman in his church who is also a pastor but not just any pastor, she is a Lily White pastor, as in this woman claims to have only sinned once in her 65 years on this earth. What was her sin, You ask… well, one Friday she ate beef instead of fish.

She married the only man she ever “dated” there’s no proof they’ve ever had sex because there are no children, she is a straight up bitch.

Now let me explain. 

2)In their church there is a gay couple. She’s working overtime to get them excommunicated. Now, this isn’t a Catholic Church or any other type of church, Mormon, Jehovah’s Witness, etc…  That excommunicates.This is The Church Of England, the actual church that caused a bunch of people to get on a boat and found The United States because they didn’t want to be forced to be a religion. ( there’s your trivia for the day) now there’s a young couple who have started coming to this church. 

The woman had told Robb that she’s a “Black Witch.” Here’s your next piece of trivia for the day, witches believe that what you put out into the world will come back to you three fold. So they’re very careful to not actually say a “spell” that directly asks for punishment… they’ll say something like “ May the universe take over this and therefore act accordingly” hint hint.. Fuck That Guy. But, without speaking it, ok… Now a black witch doesn’t give a shit about all that. Those are the ones people seek out for damaging spells in places like New Orleans, but there are MANY places and where Robb lives is famous for some of the first burning of witches and there are a lot of practicing witches in the area but a black witch is hard to come by. 

Now her and her husband have tattoos and look like they’ve had it rough ( by the way if being a black witch and risking all the things that come with that you’d think you’d at least be rewarded in some way, right? Else what’s the point?!) 

The Lily white woman wont speak to them because they have tattoos. And that’s not even knowing the witch part!

By the way, the perfect Christian is named Margaret which feels right, right? Like, of course she is.

Ya, this isn’t gonna be short..

So!! We’re finally here!

They have a Bible study at Margaret’s house, she’s very wealthy old money so she likes to show that off a bit and isn’t there something about the seven deadly sins being pride? Hmmmm…

At the end of the study they ask if anyone has someone they want to have prayed for. And this is where my second hand embarrassment hit so hard that I gasped! Robb said, let’s call her Annie, should be prayed for and then he told them that She’s A Witch. The ONLY person she’s told is Robb. 

Robb was all “ What? What? Why do you gasp like that?” And I’m all “ Dude, WHAT THE FUCK? If you had to say anything just ask for the prayer, but no, you told someone who is so high and mighty that if it was legal she’d burn Annie TODAY.” 

And then the story gets worse……

Apparently Margaret got a glimmer in her eye and declared that she was going to call the retired…. Guess… please guess what comes next…

EXORCIST 😈🤯🫣

This was on Wednesday. Which is earlier for him than me so I find out at 4pm and… omg… I can’t even…

Margaret called the guy and he’s ready to perform a full on exorcism on Friday. And since Robb is the pastor of the church and knows her personally he wants Robb to help him.

Oh, did you ask if Annie knows about this?

Of course not, silly. 

Ding dong… Hi! We’re here to rid you of your demons. 

My Flabbers were Gasted. 

But then it keeps going….

Robb says “ and then once I know how to do this it will be my job since he’s retired!”

Imagine… 

So I said “ listen, my brother was given an exorcism ( true story) and I really don’t think it worked.”

Robb says “ How fucking cool is that?!”

I mean… I just… How many people are needing these now a days? What’s the pay like? It’s free? Well, that’s just crazy. I mean, you pay the exterminator…..

He said “ You don’t seem as excited as I thought you’d be”

Now in all seriousness, do I actually strike you as someone who’d be excited in regards to this? I need to know if I need to reevaluate my life. 

Then comes the hammer…

Robb: I think this is God’s plan for me. I think this is what I’m supposed to do…… That might be why I met you.

Yup. 

I said ….. What the fuck does that mean?

He explained that it had to do with this podcast we did like 10 years ago that taught us all ( me, my dad who was there, my husband, mi-ya, Robb, Jo/ry and my ym’s ex) a lesson which was..

Do not spend two hours talking about demons and calling out their names. Seriously, if you guys have listened to my podcasts for a decade, you know that crazy shit started happening. If you don’t know the story tell me and I can tell it. It was so fucked up that we skipped the podcast for two weeks and when I was ready to do one I actually said “let’s do a lighter topic. Serial killers” 

Ya.

So that was the batshit crazy ride I went on. And, the fact that this 23 yr old woman is going to have a surprise exorcism on Friday makes me want to slap the taste out Robb’s mouth. 

Now you’ve experienced it with me. 

Song?! Beautiful Trauma by Pink

Night!

Me