Regrets?

 I was talking with a friend yesterday and the subject of regrets came up. We talked about where we live, who we dated, a child I didn’t have, opportunities we didn’t take etc…. On our deathbed what would we regret?

So I’ve been thinking about that… What would I regret?

First, you have to take abuse out of the equation because that’s not something that “you’ve” done. So put that in a cute little basket with penguins on it, I love me a penguin.

I can’t “ regret” living where I’ve lived because, why? It was necessary at the time.

Who I’ve dated… I mean, I would have thought of William for fucking sure but, do I ? I mean that whole breaking my shell, trying to commit suicide wasn’t him. It just happened to be the last straw. But, if I hadn’t gone through that I wouldn’t have had the tiny seed planted inside me that started the long process of naming and blaming who did what to me. It was the first time that I could say “ sexually abused” and “ my mother” in the same sentence. I couldn’t name it before because I couldn’t grasp what it was. So, I guess I do not regret that.

Do I regret that I didn’t have my baby? I feel deeply guilty. But, how can you know if you regret something like that? I regret not using my voice and my strength. I can’t regret that I didn’t go down an entirely different path that could have done more damage. I wouldn’t have had my children ( you can have two of them if you’d like 😉) I wouldn’t have had Joshua if I’d continued down the path I went on because I got more and more complications with each pregnancy and was advised to not have a fifth child. 

What I actually am is greatly thankful for what and who and where I did choose. Those people in my life movie as a staring role or a guest appearance. I do not regret that. I do not regret that I, little old me, was blessed to have a “ fall in love at first sight…. Or rather, hearing his voice, experience” that most people never get. Those 88 year old newlyweds who loved their spouse and family and also still had that one, that “only you” one they came together with eventually…. That face in your memories, sitting on a motorcycle making my heart skip a beat still.

Keeping that basket over there, I’ve had a really fun life full of daring chances and hysterically funny moments and living the 80’s like they were supposed to be lived do I regret drugs, fuck no, Rick and roll, hell no! That boy and his body letting me do anything I wanted to do and receiving the same… Never!!  I have traveled to amazing places, the best of best friends, Cheryl and Doug and Robb. People who kept my deepest darkest secrets. My “ We ride at dawn!” Friends. A husband that puts up with all my, uh, unique, qualities and still thinks that I’m a brave warrior with a soft heart  That I cry over a great documentary or seeing the ocean or the snow covered mountains because they bring pure feelings of joy and empathy and admiration, I mean, how lucky am I to have had and to still have experience that so many people will never have? Fucking lucky!

We are all who raised us and what we persevered or accomplished or fell in love with or who put cracks in our shell and those that love those little cracks and every player in our movie. I am having a great ride. I’m blessed, lucky and hard fought all wrapped into one beautiful me. 

Plus, I still don’t have wrinkles!!!’ Yass, girl!

No regrets. I’m good.

Song: turn this one up loud and feel the thumps in your chest : Moving In Stereo by The Cars 

AND!!!! A repeated! Because I love it! Into The Mystic by Van Morrison

Luv

Me