When your world shifts….

 This is going to be one of the most, if not the most, personal thing I’ve ever written which is pretty hard to do….

I’m writing to mark this time, before and after, I use this as a diary and a way to work through all the things. I can look back almost 24 years ago and read when I called Joshua “ Wee one” in my blogs. 

He’s 23 years old. He’s not like my other kids. He’s the most open hearted, kind, Emotionally intelligent, loyal, protective, big brown eyed beauty who radiates a calm strength, always saying “I love you” and he literally thanks us for his meals. The gratefulness this child has is inspiring. He’s on the autism spectrum and aren’t we all? And I love him with the intensity of a thousand suns. This is the child that God told me that I was going to have. We knew from day one that he had a purpose for our lives and I believe that that purpose was a calm lake in a sea of pain. 

This week he sat next to me at my desk and asked if we could talk. He was shaking so badly that his teeth were chattering. I thought he’d done something illegal on the internet. My stomach twisted..Then he asked…. Would you feel differently about me if I were gay? 

Of course not, I say….

Mom, I’m gay.

My brain disassociated from my body. I felt our world shift. It felt like a dream. I thought, WOMAN, THIS IS THE ONE FUCKING MOMENT THAT YOU HAD BETTER NOT FUCK UP!!

I was confused about my reaction. I mean the weird disassociating part. 

I advocate for gay rights. My nephew is trans. I have told the story about my friend who had AIDS and how heartbreaking it was when he died and I was the only one to go to his funeral. 

I realized that what I was feeling was pure unadulterated terror. His body shaking so badly, those beautiful brown eyes imploring me to still love him and I felt like a ferocious mama bear. I didn’t know that it was possible to love him more but my heart expanded and I wanted to wrap him up and protect him from every hate comment he’ll hear, that I’ve done a video about a serial killer in Texas that kills young gay men, that I’ll kill anyone who might physically hurt him.  I want, need for him to be loved and cherished the way he deserves to be. 

He’ll always be my wee one. He’s perfect in every way.


Song…One More Night by Phil Collins

Me

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