Deader than a Door Nail

 Ok, I have so many like really deep conversations that I’m just gonna get out of my system with you all. You good with that? Cool…

I’m 57 years old and I realize that it’s way too late to be going through a midlife crisis but I am! I’m like,” I hope they come out with that third season pretty soon do I can see it before I die” I’ve decided that I probably have 10 good years left. TEN YEARS. It keeps me up at night! Yes it’s odd. I know this. 

I go through this list of things I want to do and places I want to go and will I know my grandkids and WHERE THE FUCK did the time go? If I could go back to…. I don’t know, let’s say 1982 I’d fucking go! Then I think well, I for sure skip getting pregnant. I know exactly when it happened but if I did that then the things that followed wouldn’t have happened and I LOVE that I wasn’t a goody two shoes. Love that I took risks and did some crazy shit and lived abs guess what? I’ve never been afraid to tell my family about that stuff. Do I have secrets? Well fuck ya. I wouldn’t have had the experiences I had without leaving a few buried secrets along the way. I love those secrets…. BUT IM DYING WITHIN TEN YEARS!!!! Oh shit!

You know you’re getting old when so many people you cared about, are gone. I mean A LOT of people I knew are gone.

Perhaps this is why I’ve also invited “ Crisis of faith” to the party. You know they say there’s no atheists in a fox hole but I’m questioning everything.  Will it just be darkness? What a waste of time. Will I see my family? My child? Is there reincarnation? Well, shit, if there is that could go horribly wrong, am I right? ( oh, meet Anxiety) They say people chose their next life, please, you really think that anyone chooses to starve or be in a war torn country or be abused. Spare me…. They also say that you stay with the same people but they might be your child next time or your sibling. But there’s one that I want to be the one. 

I’m going to do a deep dive into my questions pretty soon but I feel like it’s going to be a freaking novel. 

One thing I’d like to say is that I wish I had known that a boy was dying. There are at least two opposing views that duke it out in my head, but he said something to me, he left it in a message in my phone and I still gave it. He said, sadly “ I know you never loved me. You loved my brother. But I loved you” and thanks to time and therapy I wish I could have told him that wasn’t true. That what he did to me hurt me so badly because I did love him…. No, he was right, not the way he wanted and yes, with his brother, but I loved him between and even during all the things. I wish I could have told him that that boy why walked in and said “ So THIS is Tracy, huh” that was the boy I loved as a friend. But that was still love. You can hold anger and resentment and hurt in one hand and love in the other. It’s just hard when they’re twisted around each other. 

Song!  This is for The Boy Bear. It just takes my breath away

Bruises By:Lewis Capaldi

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