Don’t Take These Beautiful Things That I’ve Got…

That’s the song stuck in my head… now it’s yours! I fucking love that song. 

Anyway!!! 

How goes it? 

Next week Josh and I are hitting the spa so throw up a prayer that I stay on two feet. I have a couple of doctors appointments, a meeting about a new book(!!!) then we have reservations for our favorite restaurant ( it’s damn hard to get in anymore so we’ve had these for a minute) and on the fourth we’re seeing a movie. I rarely rarely go to movies…. In fact, this might MIGHT be only the second one in a year… but I can’t even remember what the second one might have been. It’s pointless anymore. They come out on a streaming platform a month later but we want to see this one on a big screen. And I have to squeeze in regular swimming in there somewhere. I’m up to 2 hours straight swimming and I’ll build up to three. That’s when I feel my best. 

Had a psychiatrist appointment last week and it was funny timing because some rando on the interwebs called me a cunt AND a lesbo right before I had the call. I was like super calm about it, seriously, call me a cunt to my actual face and we’re gonna have a problem, but he was just trying to come up with the worst ( in his mind) things he could call someone. Josh was reading it with me and we were cracking up. Then I said to Joshua, “ well, I’m off to therapy now” I swear to god there’s no hate like Christian hate. Because of my haircut I’m always called a dyke or something like that but I haven’t heard “Lesbo” for at least a couple of decades! I like it that my hair drives them crazy. How odd. 

Anyway!! The point is that I’m officially diagnosed with treatment resistant depression. It was said to me when talking about ketamine. It’s a STRUGGLE to get this stuff… so I heard it and kept talking and five hours later I’m watching something about murders and it HIT me…. Treatment RESISTANT depression….. oh my god. Like, unless this ketamine treatment works I’ll have depression FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I felt furious about all the things that stopped my neural pathways from completely forming. Humans can really fuck up other humans. I’m glad my mom died. Is that shocking? One of the best things that ever happened to me. Is that shocking? I give myself permission to feel that way.

Now, it doesn’t mean that I’ll be in the deep dark water all the time. I haven’t been there for a long time. I find ways to offset it, painting, swimming, writing, YouTube, collecting perfumes!! Ya, I do that! … etc. I have come a LONG way. I’m seriously proud of myself. Pat in the back!!! I’m a warrior. Look up my name anywhere and it means warrior. I love that so very much!!!

I’m doing well. Imagine how much better the ketamine will help when I get to grow new pathways. 


Ok, this song not new but one of my new favorites. OLD ME : By Five Seconds of summer. I love that it’s about embracing the things you did when you were young and not regretting them.

Now to dance to this song you need to move your hips like Shakira. Let your arms out to your side thumb on middle finger and feel it. I men just FEEL IT. This dance got me famous on my island. No shit! People stop me all.the.time to say they love my dancing. They ask me to show them how to move their hips. Across the parking garage I’ll hear “Hey! I LOVE the way you dance”  my husband loves it. I love it. It makes me feel sexy. Throw on a skater skirt that’s nice and flowy and shake those hips

Me



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