Hey.

 So, hopefully most of  everyone got my email. If not, I’m starting from scratch.

Hi. It’s been a minute! Like, I’m a year older. There’s so much to catch up on that I don’t know where to start…. 

Let’s get this out of the way. No, I have not spoken with my children. OM got divorced. Instead of going back to her maiden name she made up a last name based on a…. Wait for it…. Disney move. Went to court and now that’s her last name. So, that was a little jarring. I got that news from Joshua while I was getting my nails done. Fun! I actually did speak to ym for a hot minute last month. My car was totaled by a hail storm. We still had it at her house in a different city so we did have to have contact. That went fine but no movement forward. So, ya. That’s that.

Let’s see….. last year I was diagnosed with PMR polymyalgia rheumatica. It’s an autoimmune thing that basically paralyzes you. I had to wait … EIGHT months to see a specialist who wanted to put me on steroids for the rest of my life. I said “ no thanks” I’d don’t a LOT of research into muscles and ligaments and joints etc… had come up with a concoction of supplements and I’m doing well! Really well. Specialist laughed at me and thought I was crazy. Still not on steroids, Sis. 

Robb and I ….. Um, broke up for the most part. I speak to him occasionally. Best friends for almost a decade. Like, he knows all my things. ALL my things… well, one thing I keep to myself… but he started to become weirdly religious as if he was in a contest to be the best Catholic ever. The bestest Christian that ever did Christian… and while that was cool if that was gonna be his thing but I had a weird feeling. I was hitting my “ what DO I believe?” “ I have this question and this question and why don’t these things add up? And the Bible contradicts itself and it’s been rewritten some hundred + times so, why is that? Control? Power? Money? Allowing for privilege while demanding servitude and GUILT. My God. The guilt.” Plus the Christian Nationalism shit leaves out the teachings of the actual CHRIST. It’s not my box. I’m searching. Reading lots and questioning everything and finding what my path is… Will be. Anyway, geezus! That went off the track, so we were having these deep religious talks, we always have really, and then something changed. Like, if I didn’t know him like the back of my hand I might not have noticed, but it was there. I asked about it and, holy shit. I felt like he wasn’t actually being best Catholic but more like HIDING behind all this church shit and… I was right. I won’t talk about it anytime soon but that switch that turns off when somebody fucks me over. When they cross a line that is deep deep betrayal, it just switches off in my head and in two seconds someone can go from being someone I cherish to someone I can walk away from without thinking twice. It’s only EVER been reversed two times in my life and I feel nothing, like zero, feelings for him now. I don’t see that changing. He’s not the person I thought he was. I always used to say that my ability to stop caring, which happened with my own mother, wasn’t my best trait, but I actually think it’s a pretty good trait. It’s myself keeping myself from feeling the pain of that loss. I don’t miss the daily phone calls. I don’t miss breaking my heart open and telling him all the things. It’s ok. I’m ok. Either peace or war. I’m good. He might be in my YouTube channel every once in awhile, maybe. Maybe not. It’s ok.

I’m starting ketamine treatments for depression soon. My

Neuro pathways run pretty deep and as I’ve written on my blogs MANY times. Your pathways become broken from trauma so depression tends to be an injury. Roadblocks become “triggers.” Because your reaction is 

instilled in you at the age you were when the trauma happened. Ketamine helps grow new pathways. Gives new tools and understanding and redirects away from those trauma roadblocks. It’s described as a snowy path you walk every single day and then one day you step off that path and can see a new path. So, cool drugs for me!!

I’m loving painting!!! I’m redoing my store adding a lot of work I haven’t put up. It’s soooo calming. I just put in my AirPods and zone out. 

Took my first swim of the year and I could not be more excited!!!! I love swimming. Again, just zone the fuck out. Only went for an hour today. It’s gonna take a minute to get back to 3-4 hour swims but I could have kept going tonight if my husband wasn’t sitting out of the pool “freezing” talk about acclimated. It was 80 when we headed down and he’s freezing. What the fuck?! 

We want to leave the country… I know, I know…. But I’ve been researching a LOT and have a few places that would be nice. I have things I have to stay here for right now but I want to go, fly, be free! I’m not getting any younger!! It’s my dream.

Ok, that was a novel. 

Night!